I'm Jonathan Bullock; creator of JBake, developer with a passion for the Internet, geek, gadget lover and fan of far too many sports. I occasionally give talks and tweet every now and then.
16 June 2014
I'm writing this while sat in a room called Angel. It's a room I wish, I never knew existed.
Just after 2:30pm on Thursday our life was turned upside down. I will never forget the look on the first sonographers face. The realisation of the situation didn't truly hit me until it was confirmed by the second scan at Ysbyty Gwynedd Hospital, until then I was still clinging on to some hope.
My wife and I were then transferred up to Angel room on Labour ward, where the staff then went through the protocol with us. I felt completely numb. It was like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even think why, it didn't matter.
It felt like it was the worst moment of my life, but I was wrong, the worst moment was yet to happen. We were told the safest way to deal with the situation was to induce labour. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, what my wife would have to go through, it was crushing. I just wanted to take away all the fear and worry from her, but I knew I couldn't. The process started the following day with a single tablet, we were then sent home before we returned 48 hours later.
The scan on Thursday was only supposed to be a quick one to get a better picture of our baby's heart. It was exactly 2 weeks after the 2nd scan where we found out we were having a girl. It was one of the best days of my life, we had told our family and friends we were having a girl. Now we had to tell them our terrible news. Saying the words out loud, that was the worst part. They never got easier to say. Words you never wanted to say.
After telling those we were able to we tried to keep busy, trying not to think about what was ahead. But news travels fast. We got messages, cards and flowers from everyone. We know everyone meant well but we didn't want to be reminded, we just didn't want to think about what was ahead. It's still not over, we know there will be people who don't know and will ask how the pregnancy is going. We will have to say those words again.
The worst is now over and Helen is doing well, she was absolutely amazing, words cannot describe how proud I am of her. All the staff in the Labour ward at Ysbyty Gywnedd Hospital have been wonderful throughout too.
Our daughter, Jessica, was still-born at 5:47pm on Sunday 15th June 2014.